It seems all too familiar to me to be faced with a blank screen with only the constantly blinking vertical line waiting for me to feed it with letters. It’s frustrating to see words show up just to be erased again because I think they don’t qualify to represent my thoughts. But I have to find a way to discharge what needs to be discharged and, therefore, here I am desperately scraping my mind for the right words.

But this time around, it’s even harder for me to type in these words for I don’t even know what it is I need to be discharging. All I know is I feel heavy and unstable that I might do something really drastic in the near future if I don’t let this out — quick.

What you are about to read, or see as for this matter, are typographies that are not my own. Since I really have no idea where to start my story, I decided I will just upload 29 typographies I could relate my situation with along with this entry.

So for those of you who are not fond of my lengthy texts but are still interested in my stories (which I highly doubt), today is your lucky day.

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3 indefinite things I need the most: trust, love, and hope.

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Student Number: 9181         Martinez, Sophia Lei L.        Taft Batch 1   MWF  Roofdeck

Take-home mock UPCAT essay paper

“Make the most elaborate lie you can think of about yourself.”

 

Have you ever wondered who you are as an individual in a different set of eyes? Have you ever paused for a moment and think about what you could have done to become what you could have been? Have you ever asked yourself what you are willing to do and what you are capable of doing to have a significant purpose in this vast earth? All these questions could be surmised into two simple questions: “who am I?” and “what am I for?”.

We, as unique individuals, are in constant search for our own identity. We cannot summon and claim our identity overnight. It takes a great deal of time and perseverance to discover, nurture, and protect who we are.

Now, I am asked to write an elaborate lie about myself. For one, I am still in the state of confusion and in the process of digesting who I really am and what my sole purpose is, and I am afraid the irony could worsen my condition. Setting that aside, I am still willing to find myself in the process of finishing this paper. Recalling last month’s conversation with my mother, she asked what I wanted to become by means of my career. All I answered her was, “happy”. That was the ultimate truth I could tell her at that time. Who doesn’t want to be happy anyway? For instance, I have a lot of interests and aspirations, and choosing a college program that could hit all of them with just one stone seems too good to be true. In other words, I still am undecided about who I am going to be in the near future. Fortunately, I have already narrowed down my choices of college programs. And all there is for me is to choose which one I think I would excel and be happy in.

Without much further ado, let’s start with the lie. I am going to tell you everything about the girl I’ve never been and what goes on in this girl’s mind. And I believe the best way to do just that is to be that girl.

I would like to introduce myself as someone who could pass as a Victoria’s Secret model. With my face value and my astonishing height, I consider myself as someone elite and better than everyone else. I prefer to go out and party ‘til I can party no more. And just so you know, books are my enemies. I don’t get why people read them when you can just go to the mall and shop for the newest fashion trends with your girl friends… I like to blow my money on the silliest things and that is why I am completely happy and contented with my life. I never want to improve! My money took me to where I am now, and my money could get me anything I could wish for.

I am also emotionally stable. I don’t over-think and I don’t give a damn on what could possibly happen to me. My money could take care of that. I don’t have goals in life because I think they’re a major contributing factor to stress. I am not outspoken with my thoughts – since people don’t care anyway – but I do like to boss everyone around. A day in my life is just a sunny day beside the pool, sipping lemonade while a maid coats me with sunscreen. And when the night comes, I head to the club with my gang wearing the skimpy dresses we bought from the mall and watch the boys stare and fall behind us. Pretty cool, huh? You’re jealous of what I have, aren’t you? Young, wild, and free baby!

… And that concludes the biggest, most embarrassing lie about who I am. Have you ever felt like you were possessed by a completely contrasting spirit? I just did. As that spirit took over me and typed the words above, I also got the picture of who I would not want to become. First of all, I don’t have the looks and the height of a model. Second, my self-esteem isn’t something to be proud of. I absolutely don’t “party ‘til I can party no more”. I am not rich and therefore I don’t have the fortune to get me anything that I want. I am also not emotionally stable. As I have said, my self-esteem isn’t something to be proud of. I over-think a lot and doing that just gives me a whole new set of worries. I am outspoken and goal-driven. I am willing to do anything to follow my dreams and fulfill my goals. Lastly, books are my first love. I would rather barricade myself in my room and spend an entire day with a book than hang out with my friends.

At first, I thought merely having an idea about this essay’s topic is unattainable. I had to look at myself first then defy the thought of who I am. But writing that helped me find more about myself. Paradoxical, isn’t it? I guess that’s how some things work.

Let my writing serve as a way for you, my reader, to find your identity. Don’t be afraid to oppose yourself at some points in your journey in search for your purpose, for opposing yourself could give you pieces of information of who you really are. Go forth; seek for the contentment of your soul. From there, you could trace the path to your identity and purpose.

Looking back to Summer 2012, I remember how anxious I was to know my section, let alone Junior year itself. I’ve been hearing many people say about how Junior year is the most vexing period of a high school student’s life. Hearing teachers say that I would be part of the cream section certainly didn’t help. Although it may sound rewarding and exciting to others, I was tormented with the news. I didn’t consider myself to belong in such a prestigious group. I didn’t consider myself to be that skillful and smart. And if I were to be placed among these people, I’d probably be eaten alive and my remains would be trampled and buried under these vigorous learners’ feet. Exaggerated? Quite, but no lies said. All summer long, I dreaded for the day I see my name under the cream’s list.

Then came the day the school released the sections. That was the day I dreaded the most, and the day I furiously ran around the parameters of our house. Yes, because I did find my name among the pool of those vigorous learners. I was intimidated. I was afraid. But the only thing I could do then was to choose between two options: to break down and let myself be eaten, trampled, and buried; or to accept, put my armor on, and put up a fight.

The first day was not as violent as how my thoughts went, though. Sir John, my beloved second father, made the atmosphere light and easy for me to remain calm. We met our subject teachers for the whole year, and got the chance to get a glance of all the topics to be tackled in Junior year. As we rolled up our anchors and sailed away from summer’s docks and onward to another school year, our different personalities and the diverse individuality began to dance and fortunately, blend well in the atmosphere. I was in awe of how the vigorous learners in my head turned out to be the nicest comrades and the *insert every positive adjective here* classmates God could bless me with.

Somehow, I learned to adapt with living in the fast lane. They were right about the “most exasperating year of all” comment. When you think you could easily get everything done, you’re then again bombarded with tasks and requirements before you even know it, until all you can see is the ever-growing list of unchecked boxes of tasks to be accomplished. I was deprived from sleep, food, and even family time because of all the school work (not to mention the secretary work, both for the class and for the Student Council). Luckily, I learned the art of prioritizing and time management. 😉

Tasks and requirements were not the only things you could be bombarded with this school year. It rained opportunities and stepping stones to great accomplishments. I could proudly say that I’ve taken every one of them and each bloomed to milestones. I was elected as the Secretary of the Student Council, got to direct a successful musical play, invited to a theater workshop, received grades rewarding enough to be proud of, represented the school in various off-campus competitions such as the UNTV Quiz Bee and the Oratorical Speech Contest, participated in my batch’s glory in the HS Intramurals, voiced out my ideas for the improvement of everything needed to be done, lent an ear and a hand to those who needed them, and many other things I thought I could never conquer and accomplish in my whole lifetime.

And if there is anything greater than these milestones and achievements God has made possible, it was the peopleEvery single one. From the vigorous learners, to the teachers, to my batch mates, to the newfound friendships, down to every one who made this frustrating year worth while.

My ohana, Agusan Del Norte 2012 – 2013, never did I think that we are going to be this tight and close. Yes, we do have our personal differences but we met together at some point. And that’s what makes us special. I won’t define this as a farewell excerpt, but rather a thank-you message. I believe that the only thing that ended was the school year, but not our bond. We’re a familyFrom day one. And always will be. Thank you for letting an ordinary midget join your prestigious club. Thank you for recognizing my potentials. Thank you for the laughs and moments that we shared, through the thick and thin. But most importantly, thank you for molding me into a better person, to who I am today, and for making me realize my inner worth. If I were to sum up all the things I could thank you guys for, it would take me forever. Thank you.

I didn’t intend for this post to be dramatic, but who cares? The feeling of having to move on from something you can’t let go of is indeed painful.

I can’t thank God enough for all the graces He has endowed upon me. This school year definitely left a deep but positive mark on my whole identity. Sure, together with these year-end farewells, there were also people who bid their goodbyes. But they, too, also left a mark. A mark that I would always keep with me, to remind me of how they touched my life.

This summer, I won’t be as tormented as I was last summer. If ever I see my name again under the cream list for my Senior year, I’d remain calm.

I put up a great fight this year. So why can’t I put up a better one for my last year? 🙂

(pictures to be added some other time)

“Obsessed, depressed at the same time; I can’t even walk in a straight line.”

(“Just A Feeling”, Maroon 5)

Probably the best line that could surmise everything that’s running on my mind right now. It’s exactly 3 AM, and yesterday feels like ages ago.

I’m (still) not able to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. Maybe because there’s a lot.

I’m never contented with just about absolutely anything I do. Whenever I try to put up something necessary for a circumstance, I feel like there is nothing I could do to make myself feel good enough for what I accomplished then. Like there’s nothing to be proud of, nothing to celebrate for. My effort was there, my passion was there too, but the contentment never seems to dawn on me. No matter how much people would tell me how much they appreciate my craft and effort, I just couldn’t do so…

I’m insecure and unstable. Very insecure and on-the-edge unstable. I am the very opposite of a megalomaniac. I underestimate my capabilities. I lack self-esteem that I have to put on a lot of effort to push myself to do things that needed self-esteem. I can’t stop comparing what I have to what others have (and I feel bad about myself right after). I like being alone but I feel lonely and left out.. I feel small, a worthless nobody, and just another space-filler.

I over-think. Severely. Tiny holes stretch larger, words begin to have double meanings, all my negative fantasies turn themselves into reality. But those are just some of the key descriptors of my twisted thoughts, and trust me, you wouldn’t want to hear the others. Optimism is futile, as it gets swallowed up almost instantly by pessimism. And voila, there you have it! Bad mood, bad day, cold tears, sad nights.

I am jealous of anyone who has the attention of the people whom I pay my attention to. I just want to feel important enough to somebody so that I could feel my own importance.

Against all these, I admit, I lay powerless. Unable to defend me from myself. But I choose not to show my broken side, well, at least most of the time. I break down a lot. Crying myself to sleep has become a routine. Sometimes I don’t even get to sleep at all due to my mind’s restless condition, like what is happening at the moment.

Maybe it’s all just in my head. Maybe I misunderstood everything. Maybe it’s about time to appreciate what I have. I really have no idea.

Indeed, one of the hardest things in life is deciding whether to run back to your shell and surrender everything you’ve been through, or try harder to survive even though you don’t have the guarantee of your predefined success.