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Life

You come in like you know everything.

You come in so sure about the future.

You come in with all your plans set up.

You come in thinking you are strong and ready enough.

Yet you come out devastated, disappointed, and broken beyond repair.

Time, paired up with a recurring amount of cumulative pain can and will destroy just about anything, even the feelings you thought you had pinned well in the center of your bed’s headboard. Then comes the bitter realization that gnaws and sinks into the depths of your emotional boundaries until you feel absolutely nothing but empty.

You cannot conceal the feeling of emptiness. You cannot force yourself to feel. After all, there’s only so much we can take.

☓☓☓

Time is an unpredictable friend. Some days, he sides with you but on some unfortunate days when you’re desperately hoping that he would, he defies every little reason you hold on to. And rarely does he side with you when your stars are aligned.

“It is innate for humans to crave the feeling of being happy and loved.”, so it is told. That craving intensifies when we are deprived of it, I believe. And when someone fills in the nooks and crannies of one’s tattered and thirsty heart, he would accept the blessing right away, without question.

A harsh rebuttal for the previous paragraph would be my own story:

Is it morally upright to accept the love we think we deserve in the midst of emptiness and turmoil?

Is it acceptable to have myself repaired by the hands of an unexpected visitor?

Is it right to fall for someone who fills in the bullet holes of ashen “love”?

Don’t get me wrong, what I feel is pure. I don’t feel it out of loneliness, I feel it out of happiness.

A dangerous road lies ahead of me now. I know I must proceed with great caution, not only for myself. As much as I don’t want to come out devastated, disappointed, and broken beyond repair, I don’t want to hurt people, too. What drives me to keep going is the trail of happiness someone might have left for me. I will follow this trail. I just have to befriend time and the stars along the way.

It isn’t as scary as how you thought it would be, but once you do fall, you fly. Even for just a little while.

And today, everyone would kill just to fly. Even for just a little while.

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Thought Catalog

In many ways more than one, the rules of life and love are almost always lopsided, ill-fated, tragic, and, well, pretty screwed up. I look around me and see different exhibits of the plights of love.

You could be enamored by a person you can’t have for whatever reason, the one thing that feels so right would terribly feel the otherwise because some norm that says such feelings are taboo. Or you could be one of those who hang in there for as long as they could despite being aware that it’s a mere fantasy. You’d become addicted to false hopes that make you feel alive, always choosing to prolong the doubt rather than to end the limbo that spares you from disappointment yet deprives you a sense of clarity.

You might be someone who stays in an unhealthy relationship, where you convince yourself to accept a love that is…

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…and to those who are victims of their own thoughts and assumptions:

It’s probably just your head playing games with you again. Snap out of it.

Unless you have a concrete certainty about something, don’t make harsh conclusions. Learn to trust as much as they can trust you.

There’s no need to rush. It takes time.

“It’s about misunderstandings between people and places, being disconnected and looking for moments of connection. There are so many moments in life when people don’t say what they mean, when they are just missing each other, waiting to run into each other in a hallway.” — Sofia Coppola

The thought of being apart had always scared me. As a person who seems to need that constant reminder, the reassurance of the presence of the intangible, I always made sure that what I felt would be transparent enough to the opposite subject, and dear God, did I expect the same treatment.

It’s been a while since I started feeling the intangible, and it is, by far, one of the most surreal experiences I’ve had. There are nights when my mind, driven by the heart, is most active at quarter to 3 in the morning. My readers are all witnesses of this. And because of the consequences of expecting the same kind of treatment I give, I suffer.

Until today.

I realized that space is good. That it is essential for the differences to grow. That because we are composed of priorities and dreams apart from each other, there is indeed a need for a good deal of space to let these things prosper. Without it, we would be limited only to the world of the other, boxed up and unable to explore the vastness of our distinct interests.

And it gets better for me. Despite the space that most people perceive as something negative, we still emerge as strong as ever. It’s a sad thing to see that people hurt, break, and fall apart when time brings space to claim a position between them. They have become so inseparable that when the time for necessary separation comes, the space becomes stronger than their love — because they didn’t let their individuality grow; as human beings, we are created to discover ourselves, pursue individuality, then love. (idealistically speaking)

Eventually, all things, especially us humans with our complex emotions, have to let space claim its rightfully-owned place in our time. For then can we truly breathe, grow, and develop as the person we are destined to be, individual and free. When we learn to treat space as a friend, it becomes essential to keep the bonds we share strong and unending.

It seems all too familiar to me to be faced with a blank screen with only the constantly blinking vertical line waiting for me to feed it with letters. It’s frustrating to see words show up just to be erased again because I think they don’t qualify to represent my thoughts. But I have to find a way to discharge what needs to be discharged and, therefore, here I am desperately scraping my mind for the right words.

But this time around, it’s even harder for me to type in these words for I don’t even know what it is I need to be discharging. All I know is I feel heavy and unstable that I might do something really drastic in the near future if I don’t let this out — quick.

What you are about to read, or see as for this matter, are typographies that are not my own. Since I really have no idea where to start my story, I decided I will just upload 29 typographies I could relate my situation with along with this entry.

So for those of you who are not fond of my lengthy texts but are still interested in my stories (which I highly doubt), today is your lucky day.

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3 indefinite things I need the most: trust, love, and hope.

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Student Number: 9181         Martinez, Sophia Lei L.        Taft Batch 1   MWF  Roofdeck

Take-home mock UPCAT essay paper

“Make the most elaborate lie you can think of about yourself.”

 

Have you ever wondered who you are as an individual in a different set of eyes? Have you ever paused for a moment and think about what you could have done to become what you could have been? Have you ever asked yourself what you are willing to do and what you are capable of doing to have a significant purpose in this vast earth? All these questions could be surmised into two simple questions: “who am I?” and “what am I for?”.

We, as unique individuals, are in constant search for our own identity. We cannot summon and claim our identity overnight. It takes a great deal of time and perseverance to discover, nurture, and protect who we are.

Now, I am asked to write an elaborate lie about myself. For one, I am still in the state of confusion and in the process of digesting who I really am and what my sole purpose is, and I am afraid the irony could worsen my condition. Setting that aside, I am still willing to find myself in the process of finishing this paper. Recalling last month’s conversation with my mother, she asked what I wanted to become by means of my career. All I answered her was, “happy”. That was the ultimate truth I could tell her at that time. Who doesn’t want to be happy anyway? For instance, I have a lot of interests and aspirations, and choosing a college program that could hit all of them with just one stone seems too good to be true. In other words, I still am undecided about who I am going to be in the near future. Fortunately, I have already narrowed down my choices of college programs. And all there is for me is to choose which one I think I would excel and be happy in.

Without much further ado, let’s start with the lie. I am going to tell you everything about the girl I’ve never been and what goes on in this girl’s mind. And I believe the best way to do just that is to be that girl.

I would like to introduce myself as someone who could pass as a Victoria’s Secret model. With my face value and my astonishing height, I consider myself as someone elite and better than everyone else. I prefer to go out and party ‘til I can party no more. And just so you know, books are my enemies. I don’t get why people read them when you can just go to the mall and shop for the newest fashion trends with your girl friends… I like to blow my money on the silliest things and that is why I am completely happy and contented with my life. I never want to improve! My money took me to where I am now, and my money could get me anything I could wish for.

I am also emotionally stable. I don’t over-think and I don’t give a damn on what could possibly happen to me. My money could take care of that. I don’t have goals in life because I think they’re a major contributing factor to stress. I am not outspoken with my thoughts – since people don’t care anyway – but I do like to boss everyone around. A day in my life is just a sunny day beside the pool, sipping lemonade while a maid coats me with sunscreen. And when the night comes, I head to the club with my gang wearing the skimpy dresses we bought from the mall and watch the boys stare and fall behind us. Pretty cool, huh? You’re jealous of what I have, aren’t you? Young, wild, and free baby!

… And that concludes the biggest, most embarrassing lie about who I am. Have you ever felt like you were possessed by a completely contrasting spirit? I just did. As that spirit took over me and typed the words above, I also got the picture of who I would not want to become. First of all, I don’t have the looks and the height of a model. Second, my self-esteem isn’t something to be proud of. I absolutely don’t “party ‘til I can party no more”. I am not rich and therefore I don’t have the fortune to get me anything that I want. I am also not emotionally stable. As I have said, my self-esteem isn’t something to be proud of. I over-think a lot and doing that just gives me a whole new set of worries. I am outspoken and goal-driven. I am willing to do anything to follow my dreams and fulfill my goals. Lastly, books are my first love. I would rather barricade myself in my room and spend an entire day with a book than hang out with my friends.

At first, I thought merely having an idea about this essay’s topic is unattainable. I had to look at myself first then defy the thought of who I am. But writing that helped me find more about myself. Paradoxical, isn’t it? I guess that’s how some things work.

Let my writing serve as a way for you, my reader, to find your identity. Don’t be afraid to oppose yourself at some points in your journey in search for your purpose, for opposing yourself could give you pieces of information of who you really are. Go forth; seek for the contentment of your soul. From there, you could trace the path to your identity and purpose.