Archive

High School

The thought of being apart had always scared me. As a person who seems to need that constant reminder, the reassurance of the presence of the intangible, I always made sure that what I felt would be transparent enough to the opposite subject, and dear God, did I expect the same treatment.

It’s been a while since I started feeling the intangible, and it is, by far, one of the most surreal experiences I’ve had. There are nights when my mind, driven by the heart, is most active at quarter to 3 in the morning. My readers are all witnesses of this. And because of the consequences of expecting the same kind of treatment I give, I suffer.

Until today.

I realized that space is good. That it is essential for the differences to grow. That because we are composed of priorities and dreams apart from each other, there is indeed a need for a good deal of space to let these things prosper. Without it, we would be limited only to the world of the other, boxed up and unable to explore the vastness of our distinct interests.

And it gets better for me. Despite the space that most people perceive as something negative, we still emerge as strong as ever. It’s a sad thing to see that people hurt, break, and fall apart when time brings space to claim a position between them. They have become so inseparable that when the time for necessary separation comes, the space becomes stronger than their love — because they didn’t let their individuality grow; as human beings, we are created to discover ourselves, pursue individuality, then love. (idealistically speaking)

Eventually, all things, especially us humans with our complex emotions, have to let space claim its rightfully-owned place in our time. For then can we truly breathe, grow, and develop as the person we are destined to be, individual and free. When we learn to treat space as a friend, it becomes essential to keep the bonds we share strong and unending.

Advertisements

Looking back to Summer 2012, I remember how anxious I was to know my section, let alone Junior year itself. I’ve been hearing many people say about how Junior year is the most vexing period of a high school student’s life. Hearing teachers say that I would be part of the cream section certainly didn’t help. Although it may sound rewarding and exciting to others, I was tormented with the news. I didn’t consider myself to belong in such a prestigious group. I didn’t consider myself to be that skillful and smart. And if I were to be placed among these people, I’d probably be eaten alive and my remains would be trampled and buried under these vigorous learners’ feet. Exaggerated? Quite, but no lies said. All summer long, I dreaded for the day I see my name under the cream’s list.

Then came the day the school released the sections. That was the day I dreaded the most, and the day I furiously ran around the parameters of our house. Yes, because I did find my name among the pool of those vigorous learners. I was intimidated. I was afraid. But the only thing I could do then was to choose between two options: to break down and let myself be eaten, trampled, and buried; or to accept, put my armor on, and put up a fight.

The first day was not as violent as how my thoughts went, though. Sir John, my beloved second father, made the atmosphere light and easy for me to remain calm. We met our subject teachers for the whole year, and got the chance to get a glance of all the topics to be tackled in Junior year. As we rolled up our anchors and sailed away from summer’s docks and onward to another school year, our different personalities and the diverse individuality began to dance and fortunately, blend well in the atmosphere. I was in awe of how the vigorous learners in my head turned out to be the nicest comrades and the *insert every positive adjective here* classmates God could bless me with.

Somehow, I learned to adapt with living in the fast lane. They were right about the “most exasperating year of all” comment. When you think you could easily get everything done, you’re then again bombarded with tasks and requirements before you even know it, until all you can see is the ever-growing list of unchecked boxes of tasks to be accomplished. I was deprived from sleep, food, and even family time because of all the school work (not to mention the secretary work, both for the class and for the Student Council). Luckily, I learned the art of prioritizing and time management. 😉

Tasks and requirements were not the only things you could be bombarded with this school year. It rained opportunities and stepping stones to great accomplishments. I could proudly say that I’ve taken every one of them and each bloomed to milestones. I was elected as the Secretary of the Student Council, got to direct a successful musical play, invited to a theater workshop, received grades rewarding enough to be proud of, represented the school in various off-campus competitions such as the UNTV Quiz Bee and the Oratorical Speech Contest, participated in my batch’s glory in the HS Intramurals, voiced out my ideas for the improvement of everything needed to be done, lent an ear and a hand to those who needed them, and many other things I thought I could never conquer and accomplish in my whole lifetime.

And if there is anything greater than these milestones and achievements God has made possible, it was the peopleEvery single one. From the vigorous learners, to the teachers, to my batch mates, to the newfound friendships, down to every one who made this frustrating year worth while.

My ohana, Agusan Del Norte 2012 – 2013, never did I think that we are going to be this tight and close. Yes, we do have our personal differences but we met together at some point. And that’s what makes us special. I won’t define this as a farewell excerpt, but rather a thank-you message. I believe that the only thing that ended was the school year, but not our bond. We’re a familyFrom day one. And always will be. Thank you for letting an ordinary midget join your prestigious club. Thank you for recognizing my potentials. Thank you for the laughs and moments that we shared, through the thick and thin. But most importantly, thank you for molding me into a better person, to who I am today, and for making me realize my inner worth. If I were to sum up all the things I could thank you guys for, it would take me forever. Thank you.

I didn’t intend for this post to be dramatic, but who cares? The feeling of having to move on from something you can’t let go of is indeed painful.

I can’t thank God enough for all the graces He has endowed upon me. This school year definitely left a deep but positive mark on my whole identity. Sure, together with these year-end farewells, there were also people who bid their goodbyes. But they, too, also left a mark. A mark that I would always keep with me, to remind me of how they touched my life.

This summer, I won’t be as tormented as I was last summer. If ever I see my name again under the cream list for my Senior year, I’d remain calm.

I put up a great fight this year. So why can’t I put up a better one for my last year? 🙂

(pictures to be added some other time)

“Obsessed, depressed at the same time; I can’t even walk in a straight line.”

(“Just A Feeling”, Maroon 5)

Probably the best line that could surmise everything that’s running on my mind right now. It’s exactly 3 AM, and yesterday feels like ages ago.

I’m (still) not able to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. Maybe because there’s a lot.

I’m never contented with just about absolutely anything I do. Whenever I try to put up something necessary for a circumstance, I feel like there is nothing I could do to make myself feel good enough for what I accomplished then. Like there’s nothing to be proud of, nothing to celebrate for. My effort was there, my passion was there too, but the contentment never seems to dawn on me. No matter how much people would tell me how much they appreciate my craft and effort, I just couldn’t do so…

I’m insecure and unstable. Very insecure and on-the-edge unstable. I am the very opposite of a megalomaniac. I underestimate my capabilities. I lack self-esteem that I have to put on a lot of effort to push myself to do things that needed self-esteem. I can’t stop comparing what I have to what others have (and I feel bad about myself right after). I like being alone but I feel lonely and left out.. I feel small, a worthless nobody, and just another space-filler.

I over-think. Severely. Tiny holes stretch larger, words begin to have double meanings, all my negative fantasies turn themselves into reality. But those are just some of the key descriptors of my twisted thoughts, and trust me, you wouldn’t want to hear the others. Optimism is futile, as it gets swallowed up almost instantly by pessimism. And voila, there you have it! Bad mood, bad day, cold tears, sad nights.

I am jealous of anyone who has the attention of the people whom I pay my attention to. I just want to feel important enough to somebody so that I could feel my own importance.

Against all these, I admit, I lay powerless. Unable to defend me from myself. But I choose not to show my broken side, well, at least most of the time. I break down a lot. Crying myself to sleep has become a routine. Sometimes I don’t even get to sleep at all due to my mind’s restless condition, like what is happening at the moment.

Maybe it’s all just in my head. Maybe I misunderstood everything. Maybe it’s about time to appreciate what I have. I really have no idea.

Indeed, one of the hardest things in life is deciding whether to run back to your shell and surrender everything you’ve been through, or try harder to survive even though you don’t have the guarantee of your predefined success.

Image

I can’t lie, I’ve liked him since this school year started… That silly boy who dances so damn well, that pal whom I always wanted to talk to about anything under the sun, that seatmate who knew every tear I’ve shed for unworthy boys, and that guy whose hugs remind me of my self-worth… I’ve never really found the words to say until last month, October 29. ☺

Happy first monthsary to my best friend, brother, and my everything! Thank you for being my hope and inspiration through times when things don’t go well and through life’s greatest moments. Thank you for giving me a reason to look forward to each new day with a smile and the courage to go through it, which I obviously did not know how to do and did not have before. And lastly, for someone as frustrated, as sad, as insecure, and as miserable as I am, thank you for constantly reminding me that I am loved.

I would never forget yesterday’s surprise “adventure” you planned which ADN made possible, the wonderful lunch, and the adorable cupcakes!

I probably should stop writing now… Dinadaga na ata ‘to at wala ako sa mood umiyak kasi hindi ko pa rin mapigil ngiti ko. Nakakangalay na ha! Mmmmhmmm!!! Wahahaha!

Chester Lance Diaz Mico, honey, you are loved by me! I am forever grateful and blessed to have you in my life! Bear that in mind! ♥

SONNET 001

by: Martinez, Sophia.  

I find my fingers running through grilled barriers

These walls envelop me but fail to contain my thoughts.

At times I find myself skimming through great wonders,

Worry-free and fearless of not getting caught.

As the river flows bounded to the sea,

So does my memories sprout and grow

To the point where they constrict and strangle me

Won’t these flashbacks ever hide rather show?

Contentment dawns on my caged stature,

But my mind free, soaring, and knows no bounds.

Unlike the outside where it seems endless and obscure

Lost, but here I am, free and found.

I could truly say this cage is not so bad,

Compared to the world that drove me mad.

 ❀❀❀


{111612}

inspiration: our school’s biodome.

Kuwait

“Walang dapat ikalungkot sa pagpapaalam.”

Makata, maraming salamat po sa lahat. Lalong lalo na po na iyong nakita at napahalagahan ang aking potensyal bilang isang estudyante. Ingat po kayo doon ha! Sana man lang hinintay niyo yung evaluation forms namin bago kayo umalis…

Sisiguraduhin ko po na aming gagamitin at ipapamalas ang inyong huling handog para sa aming batch. At sisikapin ko rin pong hindi kayo hanapin sa magiging bagong guro namin. ☺

Paalam Ginoong JM! ♥