“Obsessed, depressed at the same time; I can’t even walk in a straight line.”
(“Just A Feeling”, Maroon 5)
Probably the best line that could surmise everything that’s running on my mind right now. It’s exactly 3 AM, and yesterday feels like ages ago.
I’m (still) not able to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. Maybe because there’s a lot.
I’m never contented with just about absolutely anything I do. Whenever I try to put up something necessary for a circumstance, I feel like there is nothing I could do to make myself feel good enough for what I accomplished then. Like there’s nothing to be proud of, nothing to celebrate for. My effort was there, my passion was there too, but the contentment never seems to dawn on me. No matter how much people would tell me how much they appreciate my craft and effort, I just couldn’t do so…
I’m insecure and unstable. Very insecure and on-the-edge unstable. I am the very opposite of a megalomaniac. I underestimate my capabilities. I lack self-esteem that I have to put on a lot of effort to push myself to do things that needed self-esteem. I can’t stop comparing what I have to what others have (and I feel bad about myself right after). I like being alone but I feel lonely and left out.. I feel small, a worthless nobody, and just another space-filler.
I over-think. Severely. Tiny holes stretch larger, words begin to have double meanings, all my negative fantasies turn themselves into reality. But those are just some of the key descriptors of my twisted thoughts, and trust me, you wouldn’t want to hear the others. Optimism is futile, as it gets swallowed up almost instantly by pessimism. And voila, there you have it! Bad mood, bad day, cold tears, sad nights.
I am jealous of anyone who has the attention of the people whom I pay my attention to. I just want to feel important enough to somebody so that I could feel my own importance.
Against all these, I admit, I lay powerless. Unable to defend me from myself. But I choose not to show my broken side, well, at least most of the time. I break down a lot. Crying myself to sleep has become a routine. Sometimes I don’t even get to sleep at all due to my mind’s restless condition, like what is happening at the moment.
Maybe it’s all just in my head. Maybe I misunderstood everything. Maybe it’s about time to appreciate what I have. I really have no idea.
Indeed, one of the hardest things in life is deciding whether to run back to your shell and surrender everything you’ve been through, or try harder to survive even though you don’t have the guarantee of your predefined success.