Hello my dear readers… It’s been a while since I last posted an entry and I have to admit the past few ones had depicted the negative aspect of my being.
I’m a little upset to announce as early as now that this new entry you’re currently reading is not an exception. It’s saddening to think that I only write blogs when a not-so-good thing happens. But there’s nothing to worry about! It’s just that these happenings come more frequently than the happy ones…
This is the very first (and hopefully last) entry that will compromise both English and Tagalog languages. I’ve decided to do so due to it will be tad difficult for me to express what’s about to be stated in this post with just one dialect. I apologize for my dear readers who know nothing about my native language… I had to, you know, and given the statements above, I’m pretty sure you already have a hunch that I’m going through a lot as of the moment. But I’m alright! It’s not much, just this post. I promise. 🙂
Ganito kasi ‘yon…
I ended everything just last night. I ended 17. At wala akong balak magsimula ulit. Bakit? Kasi sobra na e.
Parang noong isang araw lang, nagbreak kami. Tapos kahapon, nagkabalikan kami ulit. Oo, ganon kami kacomplicated. Di ko siya matiis e. E kaso, di pa nga nakaka-isang araw, may kababalaghan na naman na nangyari. Kung ano-ano daw pinaggagagawa ni lalaki kasama yung babae. Diba? Nakakatanga lang talaga. Tapos he tells me not to get jealous? Are you f*cking kidding me?
I know talking things out will probably clear things for the both of us, but I don’t think so. Why?
Kasi ako lagi yung mali. Ako lagi yung may diperensya. Ako kasi ‘tong selosa at mahilig maglagay ng kulay sa mga bagay na “hindi naman” dapat binibigyan ng kahulugan. Pero masisisi niyo ba ako? Buti sana kung hindi kami e, wala akong karapatang magselos. Oo, may pinag-usapan kami tungkol sa pagiging selosa ko pero gaguhan lang ata e? Paanong di magseselos e kung ano ano nang kababalaghan pinaggagagawa nila? Pag wala ako, doon sila dumidiskarte. Ang masaklap, malalaman ko pa sa ibang tao kung anong nangyayari pag nakatalikod ako.
He tells me she’s just his “best friend”. Best friend my ass, balibag you like? Magkasama lagi. Yakapan. Angkasan. And the list goes on… Who knows what in Christ’s sake they have been doing whenever my back is turned? He tells me ako lang, oo. Walang iba daw. Olols. Lahat ng mga nasagap ko (which he verified is true) taliwas sa mga sa sinasabi niya…
Trust is a big word. And it’s the key to every striving relationship. I never trusted anyone aside from myself and a few number of close friends. I learned from my previous experiences that you really can’t count on someone as much as you can on yourself. Just when I was about to start putting my trust on him, it’s also the very moment when he showed signs that he’s not worth my trust. And guess what? Yup, you got it! It’s because of this girl again. I won’t mention her name anymore, or even give hints about her identity. Why? Because she was my friend, too. I would never ever have the guts to embarrass a friend, not even a former, no matter how much she deserves to be embarrassed.
So ‘yon nga. Alam kong selosa ako. And we made an agreement the other night na hindi na ako magseselos ulit. E kaso napakadaya e. He’s not playing fair. I could even infer na nananadya siya. May hangganan din kasi pasensya ko e. Hindi porket na may pinag-usapan kami, pwede niya nang gawin kahit anong gusto niya. Ano siya sineswerte? Kahit ba sa mismong harap ko na sila magharutan, hindi pa rin ako magseselos? Ganon ba ibig sabihin ng agreement na ‘yon? I don’t think so… Shunga ka?
Kagabi lang din, I woke up kuya and started crying and ranting about what happened. Si kuya kasi pati siya, magkatropa. He’s one of the people I trust with all my heart. I can talk to him about everything. Kuya’s my partner in crime. 😉 so yeah, I woke him up nga and told him bitterly about the things that happened that night. It was also the moment when things got clear to me. I made my mind up, na tatapusin ko na kung ano man yung meron kami. Kuya talked to him via text, and he suggested that I talk personally to him. I rejected the idea, knowing that ako na naman yung lalabas na masama pag nag-usap kami. Masyadong selosa and all… Nakakapagod na rin kasi. Ikaw lagi yung mali e alam mo namang may karapatan ka and he’s not playing fair.
I feel so stupid for choosing him over the guys who are pretty much worthier than him. Pero ganon talaga e, kapag nahulog ka para sa isang tao, lahat ng standards mo mawawala… I feel sorry for myself because of that. I was blinded of the thing they call “love”. Natanga rin ako kasi dati, I vowed to myself na di na ako maiin-love ganyan ganyan, kasi there’s a lot of time ahead pa and many more people to meet. Na it’s not time for that pa kasi what I really need to focus on are my studies and studies alone. Nothing more. No one else.
Even if he begs on his knees for us just to be friends again, I would always decline. I can never call someone a friend when I already know that he/she is capable of hurting and making a fool out of me. Idol ko siya e. Ang galing niya! Nabilog niya utak ko. Siguro lahat ng times na sinabi niya na “sad” siya dahil sa mga nangyayari sa amin, hindi rin totoo.. Para sa akin, it’s all part of his scheme to destroy me.
I also told my kuya to give me a month for me to finally heal. Wala akong balak gumanti e. As an educated one, I don’t fight back but I let myself heal silently. Okay maybe I was lying. A month would probably be too short for me to fully recover. But just give me the time I need, and everything will be back to normal for me again. 🙂
For this very reason, I wish for another school year to start already. I need to drown all of the memories I have with him through the new lessons and lectures. Something to keep me busy and to divert my attention away from him like homeworks and reports.
Sa huli, ako pa din ang panalo. Nasa akin pa din ang huling halakhak. Naliwanagan na ako. I already know what’s the right thing to do. And that’s to end everything I have with you. 🙂
It’s impressing though. When I learned about what had happened, I didn’t immediately burst into tears. It didn’t sting as much as the first few times it happened. I guess I got used to it, or my anger had already engulfed me even before my sadness got the chance to.
I trust myself more than anybody else because when I say I will do something, I commit myself and really persevere and even get the job well done. And this time, my newest task for myself is to move on and forget.
That’s it. This madness has to stop though! It’s already 4:15 AM on my clock. I have no idea if I made any sense. Hahaha! But that’s fine. At least for me, I got the sick feeling out of my system. This will be the first and last entry I will write regarding him and the girl. Any educated being would know not, and if the harsh conditions present itself, when to fight back. I’m done sugar-coating my words. The next time you’ll probably hear from me about this topic would be a few years away when I have pretty much already recovered. 🙂
I doubt you read the whole thing, but if you really did, wow. Thank you. ♥
Good morning! Until then…